Jan 31, 2017

The year I met you


its really been a while since the last time i scribble something in here. its already 30 days past since 2016 left us. usually back then when i was still the saddest girl on earth (CynnBae name me), i will make sure to write something before the year end talking about my every-year-same-new years-resolution. But last year, I didn't.

When I go through my last new year post which is on 31st of December 2015, the only thing i wanted was to be happy again because 2015 was my terrible year. You know what I mean. Well, I didn't achieve most of my resolutions which is losing weight, sexy body and so on (lol) but , I got the most important thing. To be happy, again.

So, last 2016, I met someone who I never thought gonna be this important to me. Have you ever felt something happened so fast yet it feels like you've been together for so long ? Because you guys just click? That's what happen. When the first phone call is from an unknown number, the other side wanted to talk to you, and then when you blocked the number because you feel disturbed. And when you first saw each other, unplanned, and the second meeting. to the very first unofficial date.

I didnt finish writing this.
But thanks 2016. U had been a great year .

Sep 27, 2016

what makes your 2016 better ?

its been a while since the last time I scribble something in here. how are you doin'?
how's life?

Life seem to be much better this year. my only resolution for 2016 is that I wanted to be happy again. Thats all. and with God's will, I am beyond happy with what I have now.
Of course sometimes I stumbled, break into tears dealing with life but thats just it. As I wake up for another day, its gone.
meeting new people this year who teach me so much on how I should be more patient, matured in any way and also learn to love again is what makes it better.

yes, last February, I met this guy whom I never thought going to be this important for me. Who changed my mind that loves is not that painful but loving the wrong person does. Who shows me why it never worked out with anyone else.
ofcourse our relationship happened too fast but I feel like I know him for a very long time since the first day we met.

The good things is that I moved on from my toxic relation before that even if the ex once contacted me after I put my relation on public, it didn't hurt me like it used to do anymore.
And it feels so good to be free from it after 6 years of dealing with it..

so what makeS my 2016 better?
thankyou.. kamsahamnida..

Sep 21, 2016

Sweet Stranger

I thought i was confused at first but then I God shows me how much I already fall for him deeply.

To be honest, i wasnt planning on falling in love ever again. I promised myself a year ago after i got my heart broken for a second time with the same guy.It was hell. Dealing with the pain of losing the one you love. And it was so heart breaking to find out the second chance you gave is not being appreciated at all. Yes. My ex boyfriend cheated on me. And that is how i turned into an insecure psycho.

But then i met him. I didnt expect to fall for him since the first time he approach me, i was like NO. I was ignoring all of his call and text to the extence i blocked his number.

My friend said, "dont push people away. Not everyone is like your ex boyfriend. Give it a try. You'll never know if you never try."

And so i prayed to God to guide me. If this guy is a good guy then make it all easier for me to get closer to him. Kira macam please God open my heart to fall in love again. I dont want to be the old virgin lady for the rest of my life kind of prayer la.  Yea, its more like that. Lol

Few weeks later, i found myself waiting for his phone call everyday. As i get to know him, i found out that he's a good guy and after days and weeks of talking to him, it draw me closer and i think i like him.

So on April, i asked him if he want to be my boyfriend since he stopped asking and just showing after i rejected him countless of time and told him to give me time. What i mean here is he didnt wait for  my answer if im ready to commit to him but he's already so into me like God im his Gf when i haven't even said yes yet! Yea, he's that persistent. So back to the story, i asked him, hey bro u want to be my boyfriend and he said omg! Yes. Yes i want. And so i said okay then im yours now and you're mine. Then only he ask if i want to be his GF and i then said em okay. So thats how it goes. Tehheee.

Actually the conversation isnt exactly like that. Ours was a bit cheesy and cute but i demand to keep that moment for me and him saja. To keep the sentimental value la konon. Lol

So thats how it goes.

And after like 3 months we've been together, baru dia balik Sabah la to meet his GF for the first time. Actually it was the first time as BF GF sebab before, we met each other as a stranger who interested in me, more like he's my cousin friend and im just there to fulfill my duty. Tu pun during his Pulapol time.

The first meeting after we officially BF GF is super exciting and nerve wrecking and all i did was screaming out at the top of my lung a few minutes before i met him. Can you feel my nervous level ? But then it all vanish just like this seeing his smiley face, and how he rub my head and sayang2 my hair telling me how he's been waiting for so long to see me. Kan lovable ba dia and full of love.

And then he even brought me home to see his mother and his little sister who was the same age as me. That part also nearly made my heart explode because i havent been in that situation before. I mean like having dinner with your boyfriend family. All i was thinking is what shoud i say what should i do and wear or bring. But he hold my hand and told me all is going to be fine. If you dont know what to say then you just smile, i'll do the rest. So i decided to be myself, because the first impression is whats important and i trust myself that im qualified enough to be this guy GF. meskipun im not pretty and he's too good looking for me but all i can offer his family is my heart yg sincerely loving him and a sincere promise yang he wont get hurt again like in the past anymore. Hehehe. Boleh ka macam tu.

And just like that, my first meeting with the in law went smoothly. His family are super friendly just like him and i share the same interest with his sister which is KOREAN DRAMA + RUNNINGMAN.

So thats how it goes between me and a guy who was once a stranger but now means the world to me.

Jun 29, 2016

Forever 24

Another year added. But I stopped celebrating my birthday since 3 years ago. After my best friend pass away. And every birthday in the past 3 years, I found myself being emotional for no apparent reason.

It’s the same with this year birthday. And baby besar seems to realize I was being emo. He said he understood.

“Since I’m here for you now, I want you to be happy always okay? I will always make you happy even its not your birthday. And even in the next birthday, I will make you happy. You can count on me in this. “

And suddenly, while talking on phone with him, I received a call from my little brother telling me he got into an accident. I have this panic attack and cant stop from shaking. I rushed to the hospital.

Luckily he was fine.

Long story short, I spent the rest of the night dealing with police, hospital, and waiting for my parents to come from kampung, all by myself but while talking on phone with baby besar because I don’t know what to do or what to say to the police officer and also while texting the siblings to update the situation.

And then, I spent the rest of the morning hibernating because I haven’t sleep the whole night. Bangun pun sebab itu baby besar kasi bangun to get ready to work.  And then spent the rest of the evening working on afternoon shift. By the time I finish work, it was 3 hours left before this day is over.

As I talk on phone with baby besar at 3 am just now. I asked him,

“You see, what is there to be happy about on my birthday?”

And he told me this,

“Don’t take it like that. Everything happens for a reason kan. Don’t worry, you got me now. If anything happen, we both in this together. I will always be with you through thick and thin. “

And that was the best birthday gift ever. TO have someone who loved you deeply and never leave your side in any situation.

1992, and 24 years later I’m still blessed with family who always there for me. With friends who stick by my side despite my annoying personality. And now blessed after so many years of dealing with heart break, someone who loved me for who I am. And I thanks God for His endless blessing towards me.

So those who wish me today, thank you so very much for all the lovely wishes. I am truly grateful for having you guys in my small circle. May God shower you guys with His endless blessing. ^^

Happy forever 17 to me, myself, and I..

Apr 25, 2016


She's not heartless. She just learn to use her heart less.

When you once get your heart broken, you become so insecure. You feel like everyone will hurt you so you push them away.

Someone told me,
"Tidak semua lelaki sama. Saya harap ko dapat belajar untuk yakin dengan saya."

Everyday i saw him try hard to convince me that he's not like the other guy. He even contact my sister to ask permission to be friend with me. But the problem is not him. It was me. I cannot make sure of my own feeling.

I've been asking around, my close friend, my siblings, what should i do? I just dont want to get hurt again. Some point i wanted to try but at that some point im afraid if i ended up hurt again.

Because everyone that say they wont leave my side, left.

Feb 22, 2016

Entry untuk anda

Annyeonghaseyo chingu..
Kaifa haluka? (or is it haluki?) hehe

If you are reading this then probably i caught you stalking my blog again. nah kedapatan! Actually I've been thinking of writing another post about you. Wait what? ANOTHER?

Yep, I wrote about you once. or maybe this is the third but the second one is not official. tehehe.

The first one is long time ago maybe 3 or 4 years ago. No, dont read it. I dont want you to because it was a story of a broken heart girl who thought she lose you as a friend thought that you had changed for good but nah.. She was wrong. You're not. Bian ^^

So why writing about you?I dont know maybe because I know somehow you will find this post even if i didnt tell you about it or post it in my social media account. yalaa, ko kan suka baca blog sy ko bilang kan.. hehe

It just that I miss you. Meskipun jarang contact, jarang jumpa but everytime I was having a bad day, I found myself always remembering you. Mesti ko kecil hati ni kan time susah ja kena ingat. No, No, No. Time tiada karan mesti kita cari lilin kan. Ada pepatah saya nampak duuuuuuulu jadilah seperti lilin yang menerangi kegelapan ka dia bilang tu. Untunglah ko jadi lilin. hehe. Bangga kama d..

I remember sleeping on you lap crying last time when I broke up with Jack. Terus ko sayang2 rambut saya. N the other geng karut will always count on you to calm me down when I cried. Kenapa tu ah? Terus time2 putus sinta mau p tidur tempat ko juga ni time kolej lagi. haha. Tengah2 malam nangis2 tengok part Mari (cerita puppy) kejar kapal terbang yang kena kasi tinggal oleh tuan dia selepas dia berusaha keras cari askar untuk kasi selamat tuan dia dari earthquake. Ko ingat lagi ka tu? Sambil tersedu2 dua2 di bilik ko cakap "nanti diorang balik juga p kasi selamat ba tu kan Rose" ko bilang. 

Lepas tu, kisah kita posting bersama p tapuk dalam almari linen. Apa dalam fikiran kita tu ? haha.

Banyak o kisah kemisah (eh ada ka ayat melayu gini?) kita.. Tapi lagi siok kalo kita jumpa dan cerita pasal tu semua sambil ketawa x ingat dunia kan. hehe..

And... I hope you doing fine with mr.hubby n ur cute little angel. Do come visit! 

Yes, this is about you.. SAFAWATI..

p/s: lepas ko baca ni mesti terus ko p mesej sy tu kan.. "Roseee.. terharu o sy baca blog ko... rindu ko juga.."terus ko letak emoticon yg ada airmata nangis.. betulkan? ish malas la sentiasa betul tekaan sy.. haha

Love, Roseate (ur mumy)

Feb 5, 2016

The life of SooYean

I never planned to be this attached to you but I did.

5 days ago
How they used to sleep. 
SooYean was a cute, playfull yellow cat. Compared to her sister SooYeon, she dont like to be held while she's asleep. She wanted her own space. But at night, she will crawl slowly to sleep next to you when you had fall asleep. Her favorite is that fluffy blanket which she really loves to suck till she fell asleep.

She growing up under my care because her mom (nikun) died while they was still a little kitten. I gave her milk and make sure she had enough food to eat for her to survive the world without her mom. I even help her to poop by stimulating her anus with cotton bud. Of course they growing up with my friend help also. We take turn to take care of them. 

And she like fish the most.

Few months ago , she fell sick. I thought she couldn't make it. All she did was lying down. Refuse to eat or drink. My friend and I had to help her eat using syringe.

After few days, she started to eat on her own but i notice she had problem to find her food. Unless i put her head on her food, she wont be able to find it. I thought it must have something to do with the palpable fluid on her forehead which i thought might be blood clot.

Few weeks after, she started to play with her sister. She was not that active as she used to be at that time because she seems to be having a problem with her sight. She will bump into any object when she run and she couldn't find her sisters as well.

I was worried for her during that time but she prove to me that she could survive it. And she did. She is now growing up so fast, and become the prettiest cat on earth.

Last night, i was having this dilemma either to go back home or not. And i made the decision to go back home. Reached at 12 midnight.

As usual, i will go and look for the cats in the kitchen. After giving them hugs, i went to bed.

And as usual, SooYean wont sleep near me if i bring her. She prefer to have her own space. So only SooYeon sleep with me last night.

Since today is Saturday, we all went to church. There she is. Following us to church. I give her a hug and put her on my lap, rubbing her body because she loves it that way.

After some time, i then send her back in the house. (Since my house is right beside our church). But she went outside again.

And i let her..

Second service in church, my cousin call my name telling me the dog outside is 'beating' my cat. So i rush outside to find her in the ground making the hissing sound. She was so scared until she poop.

She almost scratch my hand when i take her away from the dog.

But she didn't.

After checking her body for any injuries, i clean her body with their towel, and try to calm her down by rubbing her head and gave her water and wet food. But she didn't eat. I thought maybe she was still in shock.

But i was worried when i rub her, i notice theres something wrong with her body. It making a cracking sound and her breathing seems painful. After making sure she was calm, i went back to church after saying, " rehat dulu ko ah. Nanti lepas church kita jumpa."

At 12pm, i went back home looking for her and found her in the kitchen. I carefully grab her body and put her on her favorite spot. But she went down and went to my parents bedroom instead. Her sister SooYeon tries to play with her when i recorded her video to send it to my friend.

And then few minutes later, i brought her outside and put her on my lap to give her more love like i used to do. Shes calming down now but still having problem breathing.

Suddenly, she started to vomit but nothing came out.

She roll here and there. Tries to stand but she fell down and started making sound. She seems to be so in pain. I grab her towel to wipe her urine. I put her on my lap and rub her forehead. 

Shes dying.

I started crying. screaming calling her name.

Blood came out from her mouth and she breathe her last breath in my hand.

SooYean left me at 12.30pm.

SooYeon seems to understand that she go and give a kiss on her sister's forehead before she walkaway.

I spend like 30 minutes hugging her death body. I felt terrible. I blame myself for her death.

What if i send her back home again after the second time she went outside. I didn't saw it coming.

Everyone in our house was furious of the dogs who cause her death. I am too. But i am blaming myself more than what had happened.

If and only if i know today morning was SooYean last moment on earth, i would've treat her better. Give her her favorite food. Bath her. And give her love more than usual. I would've force her to sleep with me.

But moreover, i wouldn't let her outside the house today.

SooYean died at 5 months old.

I missed her.

You've been a good cat all this time baby and i'm grateful for the short time you spend here on earth with me. Being able to see you growing up was a wonderful moment i will always cherish.

Now rest in peace together with your mom in heaven.

I love you..


Love, Roseate

Holding her death body
Rest In Peace little angel.. :(