Jun 29, 2016

Forever 24

Another year added. But I stopped celebrating my birthday since 3 years ago. After my best friend pass away. And every birthday in the past 3 years, I found myself being emotional for no apparent reason.

It’s the same with this year birthday. And baby besar seems to realize I was being emo. He said he understood.

“Since I’m here for you now, I want you to be happy always okay? I will always make you happy even its not your birthday. And even in the next birthday, I will make you happy. You can count on me in this. “

And suddenly, while talking on phone with him, I received a call from my little brother telling me he got into an accident. I have this panic attack and cant stop from shaking. I rushed to the hospital.

Luckily he was fine.

Long story short, I spent the rest of the night dealing with police, hospital, and waiting for my parents to come from kampung, all by myself but while talking on phone with baby besar because I don’t know what to do or what to say to the police officer and also while texting the siblings to update the situation.

And then, I spent the rest of the morning hibernating because I haven’t sleep the whole night. Bangun pun sebab itu baby besar kasi bangun to get ready to work.  And then spent the rest of the evening working on afternoon shift. By the time I finish work, it was 3 hours left before this day is over.

As I talk on phone with baby besar at 3 am just now. I asked him,

“You see, what is there to be happy about on my birthday?”

And he told me this,

“Don’t take it like that. Everything happens for a reason kan. Don’t worry, you got me now. If anything happen, we both in this together. I will always be with you through thick and thin. “

And that was the best birthday gift ever. TO have someone who loved you deeply and never leave your side in any situation.

1992, and 24 years later I’m still blessed with family who always there for me. With friends who stick by my side despite my annoying personality. And now blessed after so many years of dealing with heart break, someone who loved me for who I am. And I thanks God for His endless blessing towards me.

So those who wish me today, thank you so very much for all the lovely wishes. I am truly grateful for having you guys in my small circle. May God shower you guys with His endless blessing. ^^

Happy forever 17 to me, myself, and I..

Apr 25, 2016

Intro

She's not heartless. She just learn to use her heart less.

When you once get your heart broken, you become so insecure. You feel like everyone will hurt you so you push them away.

Someone told me,
"Tidak semua lelaki sama. Saya harap ko dapat belajar untuk yakin dengan saya."

Everyday i saw him try hard to convince me that he's not like the other guy. He even contact my sister to ask permission to be friend with me. But the problem is not him. It was me. I cannot make sure of my own feeling.

I've been asking around, my close friend, my siblings, what should i do? I just dont want to get hurt again. Some point i wanted to try but at that some point im afraid if i ended up hurt again.

Because everyone that say they wont leave my side, left.

Feb 22, 2016

Entry untuk anda

Annyeonghaseyo chingu..
Kaifa haluka? (or is it haluki?) hehe

If you are reading this then probably i caught you stalking my blog again. nah kedapatan! Actually I've been thinking of writing another post about you. Wait what? ANOTHER?

Yep, I wrote about you once. or maybe this is the third but the second one is not official. tehehe.

The first one is long time ago maybe 3 or 4 years ago. No, dont read it. I dont want you to because it was a story of a broken heart girl who thought she lose you as a friend thought that you had changed for good but nah.. She was wrong. You're not. Bian ^^

So why writing about you?I dont know maybe because I know somehow you will find this post even if i didnt tell you about it or post it in my social media account. yalaa, ko kan suka baca blog sy ko bilang kan.. hehe

It just that I miss you. Meskipun jarang contact, jarang jumpa but everytime I was having a bad day, I found myself always remembering you. Mesti ko kecil hati ni kan time susah ja kena ingat. No, No, No. Time tiada karan mesti kita cari lilin kan. Ada pepatah saya nampak duuuuuuulu jadilah seperti lilin yang menerangi kegelapan ka dia bilang tu. Untunglah ko jadi lilin. hehe. Bangga kama d..

I remember sleeping on you lap crying last time when I broke up with Jack. Terus ko sayang2 rambut saya. N the other geng karut will always count on you to calm me down when I cried. Kenapa tu ah? Terus time2 putus sinta mau p tidur tempat ko juga ni time kolej lagi. haha. Tengah2 malam nangis2 tengok part Mari (cerita puppy) kejar kapal terbang yang kena kasi tinggal oleh tuan dia selepas dia berusaha keras cari askar untuk kasi selamat tuan dia dari earthquake. Ko ingat lagi ka tu? Sambil tersedu2 dua2 di bilik ko cakap "nanti diorang balik juga p kasi selamat ba tu kan Rose" ko bilang. 

Lepas tu, kisah kita posting bersama p tapuk dalam almari linen. Apa dalam fikiran kita tu ? haha.

Banyak o kisah kemisah (eh ada ka ayat melayu gini?) kita.. Tapi lagi siok kalo kita jumpa dan cerita pasal tu semua sambil ketawa x ingat dunia kan. hehe..

And... I hope you doing fine with mr.hubby n ur cute little angel. Do come visit! 

Yes, this is about you.. SAFAWATI..

p/s: lepas ko baca ni mesti terus ko p mesej sy tu kan.. "Roseee.. terharu o sy baca blog ko... rindu ko juga.."terus ko letak emoticon yg ada airmata nangis.. betulkan? ish malas la sentiasa betul tekaan sy.. haha

Love, Roseate (ur mumy)


Feb 5, 2016

The life of SooYean

I never planned to be this attached to you but I did.

5 days ago
How they used to sleep. 
SooYean was a cute, playfull yellow cat. Compared to her sister SooYeon, she dont like to be held while she's asleep. She wanted her own space. But at night, she will crawl slowly to sleep next to you when you had fall asleep. Her favorite is that fluffy blanket which she really loves to suck till she fell asleep.

She growing up under my care because her mom (nikun) died while they was still a little kitten. I gave her milk and make sure she had enough food to eat for her to survive the world without her mom. I even help her to poop by stimulating her anus with cotton bud. Of course they growing up with my friend help also. We take turn to take care of them. 

And she like fish the most.

Few months ago , she fell sick. I thought she couldn't make it. All she did was lying down. Refuse to eat or drink. My friend and I had to help her eat using syringe.

After few days, she started to eat on her own but i notice she had problem to find her food. Unless i put her head on her food, she wont be able to find it. I thought it must have something to do with the palpable fluid on her forehead which i thought might be blood clot.

Few weeks after, she started to play with her sister. She was not that active as she used to be at that time because she seems to be having a problem with her sight. She will bump into any object when she run and she couldn't find her sisters as well.

I was worried for her during that time but she prove to me that she could survive it. And she did. She is now growing up so fast, and become the prettiest cat on earth.

Last night, i was having this dilemma either to go back home or not. And i made the decision to go back home. Reached at 12 midnight.

As usual, i will go and look for the cats in the kitchen. After giving them hugs, i went to bed.

And as usual, SooYean wont sleep near me if i bring her. She prefer to have her own space. So only SooYeon sleep with me last night.

Since today is Saturday, we all went to church. There she is. Following us to church. I give her a hug and put her on my lap, rubbing her body because she loves it that way.

After some time, i then send her back in the house. (Since my house is right beside our church). But she went outside again.

And i let her..

Second service in church, my cousin call my name telling me the dog outside is 'beating' my cat. So i rush outside to find her in the ground making the hissing sound. She was so scared until she poop.

She almost scratch my hand when i take her away from the dog.

But she didn't.

After checking her body for any injuries, i clean her body with their towel, and try to calm her down by rubbing her head and gave her water and wet food. But she didn't eat. I thought maybe she was still in shock.

But i was worried when i rub her, i notice theres something wrong with her body. It making a cracking sound and her breathing seems painful. After making sure she was calm, i went back to church after saying, " rehat dulu ko ah. Nanti lepas church kita jumpa."

At 12pm, i went back home looking for her and found her in the kitchen. I carefully grab her body and put her on her favorite spot. But she went down and went to my parents bedroom instead. Her sister SooYeon tries to play with her when i recorded her video to send it to my friend.

And then few minutes later, i brought her outside and put her on my lap to give her more love like i used to do. Shes calming down now but still having problem breathing.

Suddenly, she started to vomit but nothing came out.

She roll here and there. Tries to stand but she fell down and started making sound. She seems to be so in pain. I grab her towel to wipe her urine. I put her on my lap and rub her forehead. 

Shes dying.

I started crying. screaming calling her name.

Blood came out from her mouth and she breathe her last breath in my hand.

SooYean left me at 12.30pm.

SooYeon seems to understand that she go and give a kiss on her sister's forehead before she walkaway.

I spend like 30 minutes hugging her death body. I felt terrible. I blame myself for her death.

What if i send her back home again after the second time she went outside. I didn't saw it coming.

Everyone in our house was furious of the dogs who cause her death. I am too. But i am blaming myself more than what had happened.

If and only if i know today morning was SooYean last moment on earth, i would've treat her better. Give her her favorite food. Bath her. And give her love more than usual. I would've force her to sleep with me.

But moreover, i wouldn't let her outside the house today.

SooYean died at 5 months old.

I missed her.

You've been a good cat all this time baby and i'm grateful for the short time you spend here on earth with me. Being able to see you growing up was a wonderful moment i will always cherish.

Now rest in peace together with your mom in heaven.

I love you..

Farewell..

Love, Roseate

Holding her death body
Rest In Peace little angel.. :(

Jan 23, 2016

I write and I'll be okay

Was it easy?
What?
Leaving all of what we’ve been through just like that? Making me believe that you love me but then you left just like that.

And I stop counting. Stopped counting how many days has it been since the last time we ever talk to each other. Although it gave me a massive heartache, missing all of those good memories both of us been spending treasuring what we’ve lost before. I still couldn’t understand and actually I don’t want to understand why would this happen to us again. To me. I did try my best this time but I guess it just not enough for both of us to stay together.

And I stopped counting. I stopped thinking. I stopped remembering. Since I cant even make myself cry anymore. I do missed you. No. I miss us. I don’t miss you but I miss us. I miss me. I miss the memories. But I guess things won’t work the way I wanted it to be. Although its hard to admit but we have to accept the fact so we could move on.  And I am now accepting the fact that you didn’t love me enough to stay with me. To try harder as much as I did. So, I won’t chase you anymore.
I’ll be fine. I’ll be okay. I could get through this one more time. I’ll make it out alive. Because nothings hurt more than the first break up.

Take care.

Jan 22, 2016

"Ko bila lagi?"

Don't catch feeling and you won't get hurt.

Few years back, I remember my friend came to me, when she broke up with her 4 years boyfriend. I remember it clearly how she looked at that time. she couldn't focus on doing her job. She daydreaming most of the time. And she don't really eat much.

Everytime she talked about her broken relationship, she will shed tears as if the thought of that guy is like a knife cutting her from inside. And I did too. Because I've been there. I've done that.

And then, few weeks later, she cut her hair short like a guy. I don't know why but girls tend to cut their hair when they got their heart broken. Buang sial kali kan. Or maybe it makes them feel good, or maybe because they just want to start anew. To start over everything. At least that was what in my mind back then when I was in her shoes.

Today, its been a while since the last time i meet her. She's getting prettier. Happy go lucky like how she used to be. Greeting me cheerfully. Since I was on duty and she just finish hers, we just had a short conversation.

She is now in a new relationship with the guy she met during her friends wedding if I'm not mistaken. The guy she told me about before. And maybe going to get engage soon.

She's moving on. Eventho back then she told me she never want to fall in love again. But she did again and I am so happy for her.

And there's a question. "Ko bila lagi?"

Me? I don't know. Maybe few years later or maybe not. I am moving on. It's been nearly a year now but I'm still living in the dark side of my past. I seems to be too scared to catch feeling because I'm afraid I might get hurt again.

But I'm happy. I'm in less pain now compared to the time when I was in a relationship.

I really do. Really.

Thanks for reading..

Love, ROseate

Dec 31, 2015

Last page 2015

Describe your 2015 in one word. SWEETNIGHTMARE

I don't know about you but 2015 has been a bad year for me. Started with the clueless, lifeless, unmotivated me, ended up with the lost me. I woke up everyday living the same routine, repeating it over and over again.

Even the year it self has a bad start. Encountered so many problem in life even its only in the first couple of month of the year.

And my dad was being hospitalized a few times. And the guy I loved left during that time (when my dad was admitted) for some reason I don't understand.

And then, I was betrayed by the person I trust the most.

Lost the friendship I once had.

All happens at once.

All I did during that period of time was curling up on my bed at night and cried myself to sleep with no one to talk to except praying to God to ease that heartache.

And I got sick.

But eventho it was a bad start, it started to get better as time pass by.

I met this new friend,  and we became friend. A good friend I think. It started with a small talk in our department, going out to movies and then became eating buddy.

My sister getting married after that.

And I got sick again.

And we all went back to my dad kampung, meeting grandpa and grandma. We have a good family day out picnic at the beach.

I went to Labuan to find back the old memory of being a Matriculation student. I went by all the places 'we' used to go. Surprisingly, I didn't feel sad when I think of it anymore.

And I successfully planned my trip to Korea on my own. Went backpackers to Seoul for 6 days and 5 night. Finally trying out the bungee jump which is on top on my 'must try wishlist'. And riding that 180 degree wooden roller coaster while waving both of my hand up in the sky. All was a success.

And I got sick.

I cut my hair again. I tried new hair color (but FAIL). I did my medical presentation. I tried wall climb. I tried new food.

And I gain weight.

Since 2015 was not a good year, I tried to make the last few days of the year a memorable one. Spending my Christmas eve with the girls. changing gift. We talk and laugh. I had a great time.

I wanted to create a smile to the people I dear so I bring my parents eat a delicious food (which is thanks to le friend who introduce the place to me). I prepared a simple Christmas present for my sister-in law, my niece and my nephew. And I cooked for the boys (two little brother) at home. Note: saya jarang masak.

And I got sick again.

Yes, I got sick quite a few time this year. mau tua kali ah.

And ending the year with our big family annual event, Changing gift.

With fireworks.

And thats how 2015 end.

I didn't know why but as the date changed, I somehow feel sad that 2015 is over now. My bad year is end now and I made through it.

So summarizing my 2015 resolution:
1. To worship God. Go to church every week. - gangguan working shift
2. Get piano Lesson - No effort to get one due to unmotivated self. lol
3. Travel to Korea 21st October - 26th October
4. Conquering mount Kinabalu done @0630 -4th February 2015
5. Try new things wall climbing, bungee jump, eat raw food

And my 2016 resolution gonna be:
1. Get Piano lesson
2. Learn foreign language
3. Be healthy. No more fat. less rice, less sugar. More vege.
4. Try part time jobs
5. Plan a getaway
6. Charity
7. More productive
8. Self reward - (you know what you want)
9. Join a marathon
10. I just want to be happy. Again.

But God is still the best planner. Let all be done the way He wish it to be.

Have faith. an Happy NewYEar  !

Love ROseate